Last night I did something crazy. My husband was working late, my kids were asleep, and I had the whole house to myself-so what did I do that was so crazy? I watched the Lifetime presentation of "Five"-five stories showing the impact of breast cancer on different families. Now why was that crazy you might ask? Well because, if you know me, then you know that on star commercials make me teary eyed-literally. So sitting down by myself to watch five stories about breast cancer was just stupid ( i only made it through three of them by the way, before my stress headache was so bad I couldn't take it anymore). So of course, as I'm watching these movies, I can't help but picture myself in these womens' places, which i suppose is the point, but I decided since I was already bawling my eyes out, what would it hurt to let my mind really wander, and to be totally honest with myself in the process. I have to say it was quite enlightening. I thought to myself, if I died tomorrow, what would I regret, what would I feel good about, etc...? One would assume that your mind would automatically turn to your children, but mine didn't. Instead, I pictured my husband, Adam. I won't get into all of the morbid details, as i'm sure this post is weird enough, but I will get to the point. I thought, if I died tomorrow, I would die with one regret-a big one. I thought, " i'm not sure I could ever forgive myself for how hard I have been on him at times". I was a little surprised by this notion, as I would consider myself a pretty easy going person, but as I thought about it, I couldn't help but think of all of the times I held on to my expectations, all the while ignoring the voice inside me saying, "he's doing the best he can". I thought about the times i've let my standards and expectations be influenced by the things around me, and the women implying that my husband should be more like theirs, or our family should be more like theirs. And i'm sorry for it. We've been married for five years, and we've been through a lot-two kids, a recession, owning your own business, changing jobs, etc.... and there are so many times that i've let people tell me that just knowing he'd still be there with me at the end of it all wasn't enough. Sure there have been times when he has legitimately hurt my feelings, dissapointed me, been unkind, etc...but who hasn't done that?! In an increasingly feminist society, its easy to get caught up in man's increasing "worthlessness". But I know that i'm created by God to be a "helpmate" to man, and I am free to admit that I couldn't live without my husband. I couldn't raise children without him, I couldn't say "no" without him, and I would be caught up in myself even more than I am now without him. I guess the reason I didn't think of my children is because I feel like i'm doing the best I can with them. I know that i'm not perfect, and I know that i'll make mistakes-i'm sure one day they will all be telling their spouses about all the things I did wrong, but i'm okay with that. I'm constantly trying and learning how to be a better mother because its a special gift God has given me and I cherish it, but am I doing that with my husband? Am I constantly trying to help him? To love him? To show him Grace? If i'm honest with myself, i don't do it nearly as much. But if i'm lucky, and I work hard, then at the end of my life-whenever that may be, when everything and every one else has faded away, i'll still have him-and hoepfully no regrets.
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